My brother-in-law left the military about a year ago because of health issues. He’s been divorced twice, and his second ex used him to get a green card and bring her kids to the US.
Early last year, he asked to borrow money, saying he got scammed out of $30k. Every few months, he came back asking for more, saying his part-time job and pension weren’t enough and that he was trying to get a full-time government job. Over the past year, we loaned him $11k. My wife kept asking if he was okay, but he always brushed it off and told her not to tell the family because he didn’t want them to worry.
Things got intense this weekend when he asked my wife to co-sign a $20k loan for living expenses. He kept insisting he had a solid payment plan. My wife told him multiple times she wouldn’t do it because it felt off. She even offered to lend him more money instead, but he kept pushing for the loan. When she asked why he needed that much money immediately and why he wasn’t using his own income, he had no answer. She told him to move back home to get back on his feet, but he refused and said if she told their parents, he would “disappear.”
After she refused to co-sign, he got mad and accused her of not wanting to help. A few minutes later, he started blowing up her phone, asking if she had sent money yet. That’s when I told her we needed to pause and think. We called her older sister and got her on a three-way call with him—he hung up as soon as he realized she was there.
Turns out, he’s borrowed a total of $100k from different family members over the past couple of years. He’s given different reasons every time—being scammed, covering living expenses, or starting a business.
The next day, he called my wife again, crying this time, begging her to co-sign because of his credit card debt. She told him to explain everything to their older sister, but instead of doing that, he blocked her number. Then he texted my wife a screenshot of his bank account, showing a zero balance. We also saw pending charges from a restaurant, Amazon, and $300 at a casino…
We went to her parents’ house to tell them everything in case he tried to get them to co-sign. They found paperwork showing he had several credit cards and was in over $150k of debt. My wife called him again, with everyone listening, and asked what was really going on. He said he owed a friend $12k. When she brought up his credit cards, he claimed he owed $50k. He denied gambling and acted like he had no clue about the casino charge. She begged him to come home and file for bankruptcy so he could start over, but he kept saying he wanted to stay where he was, fix his credit, and buy a house. When he realized my wife wasn’t going to co-sign, he told her, “If you don’t want to help, just leave me dead in the street.”
Later, my wife texted him that their older sister and her husband were willing to help with the $12k he owed, but he suddenly said he didn’t need it anymore and went silent for the rest of the day.
Today, he called the older sister and finally gave her the number of the “friend” he owes money to. He also said his credit card debt was from his ex-wife. Again, he denied gambling. The older sister offered to cover his living expenses until he got back on his feet instead of just giving him lump sums, but I told my wife and her sister that we need proof he’s telling the truth before sending him another cent. I honestly think gambling might be involved, and overall, he’s just financially reckless. We all agreed that he needs to show his full credit card statements so we can see exactly what’s going on before we do anything else.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to share in case anyone has been in a similar situation. I also want to make sure I’m not being unreasonable by demanding full transparency before offering more help. This has been exhausting for our family, and any advice would be appreciated.